What happens when a social distancing former sportswriter decides to come up with a replacement for the canceled NCAA Tournament? Read on to find out.

Under different circumstances, I’d likely be using this space to post my totally accurate predictions for the NCAA Tournament. (I’d also be writing this from a work assignment in New Mexico, but that’s another story.)

But circumstances right now are what they are, and I figure, in my own pat-myself-on-the-back way, I could provide a little entertainment value in my own inimitable way.

So, here’s my vain attempt at my version of March … uh, hang on, don’t want to infringe on any copyrights.

Anyway, here’s a “tournament” of 64 Stephen King books. Why King? He’s my favorite author AND he’s written enough books to fill a field of 64 – and then some.

An important caveat: it should go without saying, but I’ll say it anyway; the way these books were selected for the field and their respective seedings are completely my opinion. YMMV, etc.

I’m working off a variety of sources to make sure I didn’t miss anything, and I ended up with an initial list of 74 novels, collections and nonfiction works. From there, I cut 10 from the field (explanations are below) and put the remaining 64 into four “regions.” Explanations for the rationale behind those regions, as well as first-round matchups, are also below.

I’ll likely post my picks (and yes, I expect there to be some “upsets”) over the next few weeks leading up to the championship. But if one of my many loyal readers wants to share their picks for what book wins each matchup, please feel free to comment.

Let’s get to this ridiculous endeavor. Hope you’re entertained.

The Stephen King Tournament of Books

First, a quick look at the books that didn’t make the cut, in no particular order:

• Faithful. I obviously like Stephen King. I’m also a fan of Stewart O’Nan. But for some reason, I’ve never felt compelled to read this book, which the two co-authored in the wake of the Boston Red Sox’s 2004 championship season. Maybe someday.
• Four Past Midnight. A tough cut, but in my opinion, not one of the better novella collections in King’s oeuvre. Probably a top seed if there was a King NIT, though.
• Gwendy’s Button Box. Another tough cut, but as you’ll see once we get to the seedings, I was a little rough on King’s newer works. Hey, he’s still a better writer than I am.
• Rose Madder. Again, just my opinion, but this is my least favorite King novel. Just never worked for me.
• The Institute. His latest novel. Let’s say that this didn’t qualify for postseason play because it’s still in the transition to Division I.
• Under the Dome. This novel can thank “Rose Madder” for avoiding last place.
• Cycle of the Werewolf. An interesting collaboration between King and illustrator Berni Wrightson, but not good enough to make the field of 64.
• Revival. Too dark, which says something for a guy who gave a No. 1 seed to “Pet Sematary.” Oh, yeah, spoiler alert.
• Rage. This is a tough one, in a lot of ways. I enjoyed the book, but King has sort of disowned it, and for good reason, as the protagonist shoots his teacher and takes his classmates hostage. This did not age well.
• Blaze. Another one that might have made the cut in an expanded field.

The Dark Tower+ Region

A lot of King’s work has been tied to the Dark Tower series, either intentionally or retroactively, which makes this one of the deeper regions. “IT” edges out “11/22/63” for the top overall seed in my totally scientific ranking of the books.

No. 1 IT vs. No. 16 Doctor Sleep

No chance of an upset here.

No. 8 Wolves of the Calla vs. No. 9 ‘Salem’s Lot

I swear, I did not intentionally set up a matchup of the book that first introduces Father Donald Callahan and the book that brings him into the Dark Tower series and sets up the crossovers with the rest of King’s writing. But here it is anyway. So who wins, vampires or robots?

No. 4 The Drawing of the Three vs. No. 13 Insomnia

Insomnia may be a bit underrated here, but in my defense, it did take me awhile to read it when I first bought it, which is unusual for me.

No. 5 The Shining vs. No. 12 Cell

The Shining and its sequel, Doctor Sleep, are slightly tangent to the Dark Tower series. And Cell is creepy enough to end up in this region.

No. 6 The Waste Lands vs. No. 11 Song of Susannah

Dark Tower book vs. Dark Tower book.

No. 3 The Dark Tower vs. No. 14 Wizard and Glass

And another Dark Tower book vs. Dark Tower book. I’ve definitely got to be in the right frame of mind for Wizard and Glass, which is why it’s seeded so low.

No. 7 Eyes of the Dragon vs. No. 10 The Gunslinger

It shows how deep this region is when Eyes of the Dragon is the 7-seed. Really good book.

No. 2 The Stand vs. No. 15 The Wind Through the Keyhole

The Stand should really be a 1-seed, but the way I set up the regions, it narrowly loses out to IT. Could be a tough regional final if both get that far.

Collaborations, Collections and Nonfiction Region

Seeing as how most of these books are collections of short stories and novellas, this is a deep if not overly strong region, if that makes any sense.

No. 1 Different Seasons vs. No. 16 Secret Windows: Essays and Fiction on the Craft of Writing

Hard to argue with the scoring average for Different Seasons, as “Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption” and “The Body” are arguably King’s two best novellas, “Apt Pupil” is dark as hell, and “The Breathing Method” is entertaining enough.

No. 8 Everything’s Eventual vs. No. 9 Just After Sunset

This one’s going to overtime, I bet.

No. 4 The Green Mile vs. No. 13 The Bazaar of Bad Dreams

The Green Mile isn’t a collection or a collaboration, but this region seemed the best fit for it. So here it is.

No. 5 Hearts in Atlantis vs. No. 12 Skeleton Crew

Hearts in Atlantis is another one of those Dark Tower-related books, but since it’s a collection, I put it here.

No. 6 The Talisman vs. No. 11 Danse Macabre

King’s collaboration with Peter Straub vs. King’s book on horror in movies, TV and books. Tough call.

No. 3 Full Dark, No Stars vs. No. 14 Night Shift

One could make the argument that Full Dark, No Stars actually is better all-around than Different Seasons. But the movies that came out of Seasons give it the edge.

No. 7 Nightmares & Dreamscapes vs. No. 10 Sleeping Beauties

Another coincidence I just caught. Nightmares & Dreamscapes has King’s story about coaching his son Owen’s Little League team. Sleeping Beauties is the collaboration between father and son.

No. 2 On Writing vs. No. 15 Black House

Is On Writing the best book on writing? Hmm…

Crime and Reality Region

This one’s top heavy, at least for me, because I’m not as big a fan of King’s recent crime novels. Again, it’s just an opinion.

No. 1 11/22/63 vs. No. 16 End of Watch

11/22/63 is really good, guys. But you probably knew that already.

No. 8 Gerald’s Game vs. No. 9 The Colorado Kid

Another good 8-9 matchup.

No. 4 Lisey’s Story vs. No. 13 The Outsider

Lisey’s Story has grown on me. The Outsider, not so much yet.

No. 5 Cujo vs. No. 12 Joyland

It’s been awhile since I’ve read Cujo, so I might have it seeded a little high here.

No. 6 Dolores Claiborne vs. No. 11 The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon

Dolores Claiborne is underrated, but so is The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon.

No. 3 Bag of Bones vs. No. 14 Finders Keepers

Big fan of Bag of Bones, even with its dark ending.

No. 7 Desperation vs. No. 10 Duma Key

Grim stuff on both sides of the bracket here.

No. 2 Misery vs. No. 15 Mr. Mercedes

Gotta figure Annie Wilkes cruises here.

The Everything Else Region

I couldn’t come up with a clever theme for this region. Suggestions are welcomed.

No. 1 Pet Sematary vs. No. 16 Dreamcatcher

King’s darkest book takes on … well, his working title for Dreamcatcher was Cancer, so there’s that.

No. 8 The Running Man vs. No. 9 The Tommyknockers

The Tommyknockers was much more entertaining when I was 14 then it is now. Meanwhile, The Running Man is just nonstop action and a great read.

No. 4 The Dark Half vs. No. 13 Roadwork

Interesting to put a Richard Bachman book against the novel King wrote after Bachman’s identity was revealed.

No. 5 Christine vs. No. 12 The Regulators

Technically, The Regulators and Desperation (No. 7 in Crime/Reality) are twin novels, but since The Regulators is a Bachman book, it ends up in this region with the other Bachman books.

No. 6 Carrie vs. No. 11 Needful Things

From the comments section: “How does this guy have the nerve to put the book that started it all as a 6-seed?”

No. 3 Elevation vs. No. 14 From A Buick 8

Maybe it’s the current political and social climate causing me to push a novella like Elevation to a 3-seed, but it’s a really good story.

No. 7 The Long Walk vs. No. 10 Firestarter

Big fan of The Long Walk. Hopefully it’s not a sign of things to come.

No. 2 The Dead Zone vs. No. 15 Thinner

Scary how predictive The Dead Zone turned out to be.

So that’s it for this week. Like I said, if you have some picks for this, feel free to comment below.

I’ve been meaning to write more, beyond what I write for my job, for awhile now. Given our current situation(s), maybe this is a crazy thing to do. But maybe it’s just entertaining enough to take your mind off things, even if only for a few minutes. I know it’s done that for me.

Thanks for reading. I’ll be back next Tuesday.

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